Simon Says, September 17, 2021: Yom Kippur Sermon

ALTHOUGH YOM KIPPUR ANNULS VOWS THAT WE MAKE TO GOD, NOT VOWS THAT WE MAKE TO OTHER PEOPLE, I MUST CONFESS TO YOU.  IT’S A CONFESSION LONG TIME COMING.

YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT I SPEAK SLOWLY.  I STUMBLE OVER ENGLISH-LANGUAGE WORDS.  I STUMBLE OVER HEBREW-LANGUAGE WORDS.  I CAN READ SILENTLY TO MYSELF FLUENTLY, AND I CAN WRITE FLUENTLY, BUT I CAN NOT READ ALOUND FLUENTLY.  IN MY SPEECH, MY SYTAX IS JARBLED.  OFTEN, MY SENSE OF TENSE IS JARBLED.  I HAVE TROUBLE PRONOUNCING SOME COMBINATIONS OF CONSONANTS AND WORDS.  IT IS THOUGH MY MOUTH WILL NOT LET ME SPEAK THE THOUGHTS THAT I HAVE.  LET ME TELL YOU A STORY.

I DON’T HAVE A PRIMARY-CARE PHYSICIAN.  I HAVE CARDIOLOGISTS, ORTHOPEDISTS, UROLOGISTS, GASTROENTEROLOGISTS. MY CARDIOLOGIST, WHO CONDUCTS A SEMI-ANNUAL PHYSICAL, IS NAMED EDWIN BLUMBERG.  ABOUT SIX YEARS AGO, I WENT INTO HIS OFFICE AND I ASKED, “ED, DID I HAVE A MINI-STROKE?  I AM HAVING TROUBLE SPEAKING.”

HE WROTE A PRESCRIPTION FOR A CAT SCAN, AND I SAT ON IT FOR ALMOST A YEAR.  WHEN EVENTUALLY I UNDERWENT THE CAT SCAN, THE RESULTS WERE NEGATIVE FOR A STROKE.

A COUPLE OF YEARS PASSED BEFORE I MADE AN APPOINTMENT WITH A NEUROLOGIST IN AUGUST, 2018.  SHE ADMINISTERED A BATTERY OF TESTS, WHICH I ASSUME WERE DESIGNED WITH STROKE VICTIMS IN MIND.  IN SOME CASES I PERFORMED ADMIRABLY, AND IN SOME CASES I PERFORMED MISERABLY.  SHE PRESCRIBED AN MRI, AND I UNDERWENT THE MRI, AND THE RESULTS WERE NEGATIVE FOR STROKE.

THE NEUROLOGIST REFERRED ME TO A NEUROPSYCHOLOGIST, AND SHE ADMINISTERED ANOTHER BATTERY OF TESTS.  SOME OF THE TESTS WERE THE SAME, AND SOME OF THE TESTS WERE DIFFERENT.  AT THE END OF THE TESTING, SHE SAID TO ME, “I DON’T HAVE A BASELINE, BUT YOU ARE DOING REALLY WELL FOR SOMEONE YOUR AGE.”

MY WIFE HAS A FRIEND NAMED SHARON.  SHE’S A RETIRED SPEECH PATHOLOGIST.  I CALLED HER UP AND WE TALKED FOR ABOUT AN HOUR.  SHE SAID THAT THERE’S NO CURE, BUT THERE ARE STRATEGIES.  SHE SUGGESTED THAT I CALL THE KEAN UNIVERSITY SPEECH CLINIC. 

AND I DID THAT.  SO WE MADE AN APPOINTMENT FOR AN EVALUATION ON MARCH 16, 2020.  AS YOU MAY SURMISE, I GOT AN E-MAIL THAT MORNING THAT THE KEAN UNIVERSITY SPEECH CLINIC, AS WELL AS THE WHOLE UNIVERSITY, WAS CLOSED BY THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC.

I MUDDLED THROUGH 2020, BUT I RECEIVED A TELEPHONE CALL FROM THE KEAN UNIVERSITY SPEECH CLINIC IN MID-MARCH, 2021.  THEY ASKED ME WHETHER I WANTED TO START SPEECH THERAPY SESSIONS ON ZOOM, IF A SLOT WAS AVAILABLE.  I SAID YES, AND AFTER SOME PAPERWORK EXCHANGE, I STARTED TWICE-WEEKLY SPEECH THERAPY SESSIONS ON JUNE 1.  ELLEN MAZZEI AND MIKAYLA KRUPP WERE THE THERAPISTS.  THEY ARE GRADUATE STUDENTS AND THE ZOOM SESSIONS ARE SUPERVISED BY SHEREE REESE, THE DIRECTOR OF THE CLINIC.

I GROPE FOR WORDS, SO ONE OF THE EXERCISES IS SEARCHING FOR HOMONYMS.  AS I SAID A COUPLE OF MINUTES AGO, MY SYNTAX IS JARBLED.  SOMETIMES I CAN’T FORMULATE QUESTIONS; MY WORD ORDER IS JUMBLED.  ONE OF THE EXERCISES CONSISTS OF ELLEN’S SHOWING A PICTURE, AND I MUST ASK QUESTIONS THAT THE PICTURE PROMPTS. 

WE PRACTICE PHRASING.  YOU KNOW, THREE OR FOUR OR FIVE WORDS AT A TIME, PAUSING FOR COMMAS AND WHERE THE SENTENCE BREAKS NATURALLY.  YOU TORAH READERS KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.

ONE OF THE EXERCISES CONSISTS OF SIX-WORD SENTENCES OR EIGHT-WORD SENTENCES.  I NEED TO READ THE SENTENCES ALOUD TO THE BEAT OF A METRONOME.  WE STARTED AT 90 BEATS A MINUTE AND I CURRENTLY AM AT 130 BEATS A MINUTE.  BUT SOMETIMES I CAN’T READ THE SENTENCES OUT LOUD; I NEED TO READ THE SENTENCE TWICE OR THREE TIMES.  IN THESE INSTANCES, ELLEN SUGGESTS THAT I BREAK THE SENTENCE INTO TWO PHRASES.

OF ALL THE STRATEGIES, PHRASING IS THE MOST USEFUL TO ME.  I MAKE PHRASING LINES TO SEPARATE NATURALLY OCCURING PHRASES IN MY SERMONS.  I TRY NOT TO SPEAK WITHOUT A SCRIPT.

I HAVE TROUBLE PRONOUNCING MULTI-SYLLABLE WORDS.  I STUMBLED AT THE LATIN NAME FOR BEN SIRA, ECCLESIASTICUS, AT A FUNERAL THAT I OFFICIATED IN JUNE.  I GET EMBARRASSED WHEN I CAN’T GET THE WORDS OUT, AND MY ANXIETY EXACERBATES THE PROBLEM. 

MY SPEECH IMPEDIMENT IS LIKE STUTTERING.  STUTTERERS CAN SING SONGS FLUENTLY. SO CAN I.  WHEN I REHEARSE, I CHANT TORAH FLUENTLY.  AND IN MY MIND, THERE’S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CHANTING THE LITURGY AND SINGING SONGS.  I DON’T HAVE PROBLEMS WITH ADON OLAM, EL ADON, ALEINU, AND SIMILAR PRAYERS THAT HAVE CATCHY TUNES, BUT THE IN-BETWEEN BITS I HAVE TROUBLE WITH.

THE DOCTORS CAN’T PUT A NAME ON MY AFFLICTION.  I HALF-JOKINGLY SAY THAT IF I HAD A STROKE, I WOULD KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.  I AM STYMIED AND FRUSTRATED.  OFTEN, I SAY TO THE ELLEN AND MIKAYLA, “YOU ARE SO PATIENT.  YOU MUST BE EXASPERATED LISTENING TO ME ATTEMPT TO GET THE WORDS OUT.”  YOU MUST BE EXASPERATED LISTENING TO ME ATTEMPT TO GET THE WORDS OUT.  I THANK FOR YOUR PATIENCE, EVERY ONE OF YOU.

IF THE KEAN SPEECH CLINIC WILL HAVE ME, I WILL CONTINUE SPEECH THERAPY INDEFINITELY.  IF I DILIGENTLY APPLY THE LESSONS THEY TEACH ME, MAYBE MY SPEECH WILL IMPROVE.

YOU MAY HAVE SIMILAR TROUBLES OR AFFLICTIONS.  MAYBE YOU HAVE A PHYSICAL DEBILITY, LIKE BLINDNESS OR DEAFNESS OR YOU ARE IN A WHEELCHAIR.  MAYBE YOU ARE DIABETIC.  MAYBE YOU HAD A STROKE.  MAYBE YOU HAVE AN INVISIBLE AFFLICTION, LIKE DEPRESSION OR LIKE OCD OR EXPERIENCE ANXIETY OR PANIC ATTACKS.  MAYBE YOU HAVE AN ADDICTION:  DRUGS, OR ALCOHOL, OR GAMBLING.

THE INVISIBLE AFFLICTIONS CARRY A HIGHER STIGMA THAN THE VISIBLE AFFLICTIONS, BECAUSE ORDINARY PEOPLE CAN’T SEE AND UNDERSTAND DEPRESSION, OR OCD, OR ANXIETY.  ORDINARY PEOPLE CAN UNDERSTAND BLINDNESS, OR DEAFNESS, OR A LOSS OF A LIMB, BUT ORDINARY PEOPLE CAN’T APPRECIATE INVISIBLE ILLNESSES.  IN JULY, AT THE OLYMPICS, MANY PEOPLE CRITICIZED SIMONE BILES WHEN SHE WITHDREW FROM THE GYMNASTICS COMPETITION.  IF BILES HAD A TORN MUSCLE, THEY WOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD.  THE TORN MUSCLE IS PROVABLE, BUT ANXIETY IS NOT IMMEDIATELY APPARENT.

IF WE FOLLOW THE DOCTOR’S REGIMEN, LIKE I AM FOLLOWING THE SPEECH THERAPISTS’ SUGGESTIONS, PROBABLY THE AFFLICTION THAT WE HAVE WILL GET BETTER.  IF WE DON’T FOLLOW THE DOCTOR’S REGIMEN, PROBABLY THE AFFLICTION THAT WE HAVE WILL WORSEN.

I AM NOT GOING TO TELL YOU THAT GOD PUTS PHYSICAL OBSTACLES IN OUR WAY TO PROVIDE A CHALLENGE.  IN MY OPINION, THAT GOD WOULD BE A HARSH GOD.  LIFE HAS ENOUGH OBSTACLES FROM BIRTH TO DEATH WITHOUT GOD PUTTING PHYSICAL OBSTACLES IN OUR WAY.  HIGH SCHOOL IS ONE OBSTACLE.  GETTING UP IN THE MORNING DAY AFTER DAY TO GO TO WORK IS ONE OBSTACLE.  BEING A PARENT OF YOUNG INFANT IS ONE OBSTACLE.  WHEN I WORKED IN THE PROSECUTOR’S OFFICE, I JUDGED HARSHLY THE PARENTS WHO ABUSED THEIR CHILDREN, UNTIL I HAD CHILDREN.  THEN I UNDERSTOOD.  I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY BABIES GROW UP INTO TEENAGERS AND ADULTS.

OUR CHRISTIAN FRIENDS, IN THE LORD’S PRAYER, IMPLORE GOD TO NOT LEAD US INTO TEMPTATION.  BUT MORAL ISSUES, UNLIKE PHYSICAL CHALLENGES, GOD DOES DELIBERATELY PUT IN OUR WAY.  THAT’S WHY WE ASSEMBLED ON ROSH HASHANAH AND THAT’S WHY WE ASSEMBLE TODAY.

WE SEEK GUIDANCE ON MORAL ISSUES IN THE TORAH AND JEWISH VALUES.  MORAL ISSUES, HOWEVER, DON’T HAVE AN EQUIVALENT OF THE KEAN UNIVERSITY CENTER FOR COMMUNICATION DISORDERS, WHERE THERAPISTS WILL GUIDE US TO ALLEVIATE OUR SPEECH IMPEDIMENTS.  MORAL ISSUES DON’T HAVE AN EQUIVALENT OF CARDIOLOGISTS, ORTHOPEDISTS, OR ONCOLOGISTS, WHO PRESCRIBE A TREATMENT REGIMEN THAT, IF WE FOLLOW IT, WILL CURE OR AT LEAST MODERATE OUR ILLNESSES.  MORAL ISSUES DON’T HAVE AN EQUIVALENT OF PSYCHIATRISTS, PSYCHOLOGISTS, OR COUNSELORS, WHO SUGGEST A LIFE-STYLE CHANGE THAT, IF WE FOLLOW IT, WILL PUT US ON A PATH TO GOOD, MENTAL HEALTH.  A RABBI OR A PRIEST OR A MINISTER CAN BE THE EQUIVALENT OF A DOCTOR OR A COUNSELOR, BUT A CLERGYMAN CAN DO ONLY SO MUCH.  A RABBI CAN BE A SOUNDING BOARD, BUT, IN THE FINAL ANALYSIS, IT’S UP TO US.

SHOULD I STEAL FROM MY EMPLOYER?  SHOULD I LIE TO PROTECT A FRIEND IN THE COURTROOM?  SHOULD I HAVE AN EXTRA-MARITAL AFFAIR?  SHOULD I DISAPPOINT A PERSON WHO DEPENDS ON ME?  SHOULD I CHEAT ON A TEST?  IF I AM A POLITICAL APPOINTEE, SHOULD I NOT INVESTIGATE ANOTHER PERSON IN MY PARTY?

ALL OUR LIVES, WE WRESTLE WITH THESE QUESTIONS.  IT’S TEMPTING TO STEAL FROM OUR EMPLOYER, ESPECIALLY IF THE EMPLOYER KEEPS SLOPPY BOOKS.  IT’S TEMPTING TO LIE UNDER OATH ESPECIALLY WHEN WE GET AWAY WITH IT.  IT’S TEMPTING TO CHEAT ON A TEST, ESPECIALLY IF THE TEST IS IMPORTANT TO OUR FUTURE.  IT’S TEMPTING TO HAVE AN EXTRA-MARITAL AFFAIR, ESPECIALLY WHEN LOVE’S GONE OUT OF OUR RELATIONSHIP.  IT’S TEMPTING TO DISAPPOINT A PERSON WHO DEPENDS ON US BECAUSE THE OTHER OPTION IS MORE PALATABLE.  IT’S TEMPTING TO LOOK AWAY WHEN OUR POLITICAL GODFATHER IS CORRUPT OR IMMORAL.

I AM SORRY TO TELL YOU, BUT WE ARE ALL ALONE.  WE CAN TALK TO FRIENDS ABOUT OUR MORAL PROBLEMS, HYPOTHETICALLY OF COURSE, AND WE CAN CONSULT THE TORAH AND JEWISH VALUES, BUT WE MUST ALONE DECIDE WHETHER WE SHOULD GIVE IN TO TEMPTATION.

WE HAVE AN ATONEMENT HOLIDAY, BUT WE DON’T HAVE A MORAL ADVISOR OR COUNSELOR TO STOP US FROM COMMITTING MORAL LAPSES FOR WHICH WE ATONE LATER ON YOM KIPPUR.  MY SPEECH IMPEDIMENT CAN PROBABLY BE FIXED, IF I SPEND ENOUGH TIME TRYING TO FIX IT WITH

SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS.  OUR MORAL OBSTACLES CAN BE PROBABLY AVOIDED, IF WE SPEND ENOUGH TIME TRYING TO WRESTLE WITH THEM BY OURSELVES. 

NOBODY ELSE IS GOING TO SPEECH THERAPY FOR ME, AND NOBODY ELSE IS GOING TO RECITE THE AL HET FOR US, AND NOBODY ELSE IS GOING TO PERFORM TESHUVAH FOR US.  WE MUST DO IT OURSELVES.